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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  February 2, 2012 9:30am-10:00am PST

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captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: tonight, mitt romney wins a landslide. meanwhile, newt gingrich is a landfill. ( laughter ). then big news about my ice cream. hear it here before you see it on your thighs. and ameena matthews calls herself a gang violence interrupter. i certainly hope she says excuse me. this is shaping up to be the second warmest winter in u.s. history. finally, i can wear my down tankini. this is the "colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. welcome to the report. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much. ( cheers ) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. good to have you with us. folks, anybody knows me knows i'm not a racist. i mean, do i look italian? ( laughter ) in fact, i am so far from being a racist, i don't even see race. i don't even know what race i am. ( laughter ). people tell me i'm white, and i believe them because i did not know it's black history month. ( laughter ) it really surprised me, in fact, because i always thought the name "february" sounded more jewish. still, i have to take a moment to celebrate black american history, all the greats, black george washington.
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( laughter ). who as a child famously cut down the cherry tree, which is where black cherries come from. and let's not forget the accomplishiments of black abraham lincoln who, freed himself, i assume. good man. and, of course, blacula. ( laughter ) tragic story. stake to the heart. why? because he's black? ( laughter ) they wouldn't have done that to a white vampire. and finally the "daily show's" lewis black. stay strong, my brother. there you go. you're welcome, black people. now, nation, tonight, with roughly 100% of precincts reporting, the "colbert report" is prepared to project that mitt romney will win the florida primary 24 hours ago. ( laughter ) you can bank on that. we've got the best election team watching tivo. ( laughter ) folks, mitt didn't just beat newt gingrich. he stomped him by a devastating
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14% margin, 14%. that is higher than mitt's tax rate. ( laughter ). ( applause ) ( cheers ) yeah. romney kicked newt to the curb like a plant manager whose job he just moved to another country. ( laughter ) and the question is how did mitt do it? by laying out his positive vision of a negative vision of newt gingrich. jim? >> we have a new study that's out and it says that this is the most negative campaign in history. >> we know that it was the most negative ads ever in the history of forever. >> this is unquestionably, chris, the nastiest, down dirty, gut-fighting, alley-fighting campaign. >> why isn't mitt romney happy? because he's run a completely dirtball campaign that nobody on earth would be proud of. >> stephen: wow. ( laughter ) that is some harsh, spiteful, baseless character
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assassination. chris matthews should think about working for romney. ( laughter ) because, folks, romney's ads were cruel and they were personal. >> gingrich exaggerates, dropping reagan's name 50 times. but in his diaries, reagan mentioned gingrich only once. ( laughter ). >> stephen: even worse, he was underneath this doodle. ( laughter ) ( applause ) reagan used that little bubble lettering. people don't know that. folks, newt fought back with a robo call offering this subtle critique of mitt's record. >> as governor of massachusetts, mitt romney refused to pay for kosher food for our seniors in nursing homes. holocaust survivors who for the first time were forced to eat non-coiver because romney thought $5 was too much to pay for our grandparents to eat kosher. >> stephen: tough stuff.
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the worst thing about that ad? the thousands of jewish grandmothers who were crushed when that nice robot stopped calling. "i love you,nana. i love you,nana. thank you for the birthday money." ( laughter ) next year in jerusalem. now, newt might have had the wind knocked out of him in florida, but luckily he is self-inflating. >> to the same people who said i was dead in june and july and said i was gone after iowa, who seemed totally quiet the night of the south carolina victory, and now going to be back saying, "what's he going to do? what's he going to do? what's he going to do?" i just want to reassure them tonight. we are going to contest every place, and we will win and we will be in tampa as the nominee in august. >> stephen: yes! he is not going anywhere! he is using all the stick-to-it-iveness he did not waste on his marriages. ( laughter ) ( applause )
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( cheers ) to drive home his commitment, newt's campaign printed out these 46 states to go posters. of course, since newt's not even on the ballot in virginia and missouri, those 46 states may actually refer to the many states of his campaign including denial, anger, acoustic, cubist, depression, emo, bargaining, trekkie, and finally, acceptance. ( laughter ) ( applause ) so settle in, everybody, settle in. because this thing will not be over. until newt is no longer mad at mitt. i'm going to say around stargate 8130.3. i think we have a preview of his concession speech. >> from hell, i stab at thee.
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>> stephen: he looked good. he looked good. i think he's lost weight. of course, some out there are saying this is going to hurt the republican party. i just said it now. ( laughter ) but mitt knows all this negativity is actually a positivity. jim. >> as this primary unfolds our opponents in the other party have been watching. and they like to comfort themselves with the thought that a competitive campaign will leave us divided and weak. but i've got news for them. a competitive primary does not divide us. it prepares us. >> stephen: yes. by hammering each other during the primary, they're getting prepared. it's the same way a sparring partner against the champ ready for the big fight by stabbing him in the neck with gardening sheers. ( laughter )
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( applause ) and as a conservative myself, i, of course, i, of course, want the eventual nominee to be as prepared as possible. so though it pains me to do so, tonight, i am creating a new twitter hashtag, prepare them, to post vicious, personal attacks against both of these good men. here we go. here we go ( cheers and applause ) okay. here we go. let's see, uh... let's see, here we go february-- go for newt. newt's only hope for your vote is if you've been in a coma for 20 years. and if you have, he probably divorced you. ( laughter ) newt 2012, and send. okay. one for mitt. okay, mitt romney is not a vulture capitalist. as vultures only eat things that are dead. romney 2012, and send.
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so do the right thing, nation, and really tear these guys a new one to, you know, help. ( laughter ) ( applause ) we'll be right back. ( cheers )
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( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: thank you very much. welcome back, everybody. thank you. folks, i don't think it's any secret, anybody who watches the news knows we live in a divided
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nation but there are some events so tragic that they bring us together, regardless of our beliefs. i'm speaking, of course, about the epidemic of people eating jimmy fallon's ice cream late night snack. jimmy's... food is an unholy slurry of vanilla and fudge-covered potato chip clusters i assume painstakingly combed out of jerry's beard after lunch. it breaks my heart to think of children forced to eat jimmy's swill, especially when they're crying out for a taste of my ben & jerry's ice cream flavor, stephen colbert's americone dream ( cheers and applause ) a satisfying blend of vanilla ice cream, caramel, and funnel-covered waffle cone pieces. oh, yes. that's the sound of freedom going mmm! ( laughter ) folks regular viewers of the folks know that beginning last
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march, i loved jimmy fallon. we were best friends forever for six months. but then those six months ended in september, and we became eternal enemies for six months. so now i hate him. i have no idea what will happen in the next six months because i don't know any other emotions. now, i was perfectly happy to hate jimmy in seething, mercless silence, but last october, jimmy raised the stakes by somehow getting ben & jerry's to come on his show and say this -- >> the big issue everyone is talking about is i'm out-selling stephen colbert's ice cream. >> you know, the flavor is doing very, very well. the short answer is yes, it's outsell. >> yes, that's right. >> stephen: jimmy fallon's ice cream was outselling mine. how could this happen? who was buying it and what for. did fear factor run out of donkey semen. ( laughter ) ( applause )
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it's possible. so once again, i am calling on you heros to get out there and knock this usurper off my fudge-covered throne. i want you to crush him, to beat him like a redheaded stepchild. not to be confused with conan's ice cream, red velvet stepchild ( cheers and applause ) folks, folks, i am happy to say that ben an ger reon my side. they are releasing an exciting new package that ewaits the dominance of my ice cream with the dominance of my superpac. you can now buy americone dream in superpac packs ( cheers and applause ) they're good. i've got to tell you, i'd like to see you folks fake an orgasm. in this election, colbert superpac is throwing its weight around, and thanks to my ice cream, we'll have even more weight to throw around. ( cheers and applause ) now, these-- these new superpac
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packs will be released at some point, and you will want to snatch them up, folks, because this is a collectible. you can tell because it says so right there, "2012 collectible election year package." ( cheers and applause ) remember, these heirlooms only retain their value as long as they remain unopened. so be sure to buy a pint and put it in a safe deposit box with all your most important documents and childhood photos. now i want to make it clear that although the ice cream cup is called a superpac, profits from americone dream will not go to colbert superpac. they'll still go to charities like the yellow ribbon fund, donors choose, and the lns recovery fund providing emergency medical care for people who have accidentally ingested jimmy fallon's late night snack. ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, folks, the physical damage
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lasts only a few days, but the emotional scars last a lifetime. and to celebrate this new superpackaging on valentine's day, the fifth anniversary of the release of americone dream, participating ben & jerry's scoop shops across america will be giving it away. that's right, free americone dream, february 14, from 5:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. so make sure to head on over and get yours because on valentine's day, there's no better way to say "i hate you, jimmy fallon." ( laughter ) i really hate you. ( laughter ) >> oooh! >> stephen: i miss us. we'll be right back.
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is working to end gang violence. she should have five teach them poetry. please welcome ameena matthews. ( cheers and applause ). miss moots -- thank you so much for being here. i love those lightning bolt earrings. >> i wore them just for you. >> stephen: young lady you're what's called a violence interrupter. >> i am. >> stephen: for a group called c-spire. >> yes. >> stephen: and you're
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featured in the documentary ""the interrupted"" which will be on frontline february 14 at 9:00 p.m. violence interrupter. >> yes. >> stephen: i'm an interrupter myself. but how do you interrupt violence? that sound like a very dangerous thing to do. >> yes. you are an interrupter in a rude way. i'm a violence interrupter in saving lines. >> stephen: i save our nation. >> yeah, well, i've seen you do it. ( laughter ). yes. >> stephen: you're welcome, you're welcome. so what do you do? >> we stop the transmission of violence from one person to another. >> stephen: how do you know-- how do you know when violence is coming? >> the community is very, very informative. you know, where i work is where i used to live. >> stephen: in chicago. >> it's in chicago, englewood. englewood is-- people think that it's violent, but it's not. it's just stricken by just poverty and lack of education
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and lack of jobs. but when we hear of violence-- and sometimes when we're driving down the street things jump off, when you look at the documentary, when it first started there was a fight, and we just get right in the middle of it because my goal is to save a life and to be proactive and not reactive. >> stephen: so let's take a look at you doing some violence interruption. jim. >> and all of it is stupid. all of it is stupid. 2:00 in the afternoon when these babies are coming home from school and y'all shooting. for real? this is unacceptable for me to be holding this boy, this young man's obituary. schools, churches, your mama's house, your cars-- those are safe zones. i was make something real stupid decisions and some stupid calls. it was me, my life, blood on my
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hands, in my head. stop. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: so why-- why are those young men listening to you? >> because i'm considered a credible messenger. >> stephen: why? >> i've been there and i've done that. you know, i've been out there on the streets of chicago. >> stephen: your dad is the founder of the al rubeins, major gang figure in chicago. does that give you any cred with these people? >> yeah, that gives me a little bit. that gives me a little bit. but i was out there doing my own thing. i made my own name on the street so i figured since i got out, exposure, i know better, i have done better, then i can take it back to my guys and girls and let them know. >> stephen: so why does somebody join a gang? >> well, for different reasons, stephen. you know, because of what's going on at home. you know, they may feel like they're not getting that type of love or the attention.
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homes are broken. there may be a farther in a penitentiariry, a mother in a penitentiariry, substance abuse issues, being raised by their grandparents, whatever. so they feel like the disconnect is there. so when they go out on the street and see somebody to say, "hey, look, you want something to eat? you want some gym shoes? you want some money?" that's appealing to them. >> stephen: i want all of those things. i'm not even in a gang and i want those things. you were lecturing those guys about what had happened in that neighborhood and what you had done as a child. >> i was having a conversation with them. i wasn't lecturing. >> stephen: you weren't. >> not at all. just letting them know -- >> stephen: you're not saying hey, guys let's put the anger on the back burner and settle this rock, paper, scissors. you're being tough with these guys. >> absolutely. you mentioned my dad and you mentioned what he was about, but back in the day it was absurd to shoot at 2:00 in the afternoon when kids are coming home from
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school, or shooting at a car where your mom was in. i was educating those guys. >> stephen: so are you actually saying in there, like, if you're going to do this, do it, you know, where you should be shooting each other? >> no, i was saying don't do it at all. >> stephen: okay, okay. >> and they didn't do it at all. >> stephen: did that stop? >> it stopped. >> stephen: how would you know about that? is there a bat signal? >> communication. i'm always -- >> stephen: your spider senses were tingling. >> what do you mean? >> stephen: come on! >> absolutely. when you're in a community where i'm from and you see on a daily basis kids are outside, they're riding their bikes, the guys are playing basketball with a milk crate, and then you drive through there the next hour, and nobody's there. then your sense goes up and say it's going to be something jumping off pretty soon. let me find out. let me see what's going on. let me get out and ask questions. and nine time-- 10 times out of 10 i get those questions answered. >> stephen: you called violence a disease. >> it is. >> stephen: what do you mean by that?
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>> you know, when i started working with the project, i didn't think about violence being a disease. i thought about my grandmother taught me that if someone hits you, you hit them back. that means protecting yourself. but what it did was, by me having a big family and the other person having a big family, if i hit that person back and they hit me back, they're going to get their crazy cousin, their big mama, their aunt, their uncle -- >> stephen: big mama. >> i was told if someone hits you, hit them back. but then if i hit them back and a person hits me back, i've got a family that wants to protect me. >> stephen: that's how the disease spreads? >> it spreads like dirty water. i get in the middle of it. >> stephen: you're like an antibody. >> i'm like an antibody. >> stephen: you're like-- if you'll pardon the expression-- a
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white blood cell. >> i would like to say i'm a paper sack brown blood cell. ( applause ). >> stephen: all right, happy black history month. ameena matthews. "frontline," the roup, airs february 14 on pbs. three courser for $12.95. start with either unlimited homemade soup or our fresh crisp salad, and all the warm breadsticks you want. then, enjoy one of five new specially created entrees,
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like our smoked mozzarella chicken or five cheese marinara with shrimp. finish up with one of five desserts. like our chocolate mousse. our new three course italian dinner, just $12.95. try it tonight at your olive garden when you're here, you're family.
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( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. good night. captioning sponsored by comedy central

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